Alli Pens

  • Where’s my Weekend Football?

    I’ve been in New York for almost two months now, and one of the biggest culture shocks that I have discovered since the fall has started to roll in is that people’s weekend don’t revolve around football. In the Midwest, in Michigan especially, Saturdays are full of tailgating, drinking, snacking, and watching as many Big 10 football games as you can schedule to be on your screen. Sundays are filled with either waiting for the Lions’ game or if the Lions play on Thursday or Monday, we would watch any of the other teams in the NFC North, hoping that they lose.

    Here in New York, the passion for football is not the same. Sure, there are bars showing the games for dedicated fans, especially if there is a large alumni group in the area, but people don’t get up early in the morning to make a snack platter, get cider and donuts, or make soup and sliders just to watch their TV for 2-3 hours. Obviously, there’s no tailgating in the city at least none that I’ve experienced. But also, there just seems to be a lack of awareness or simply no care that there is a whole day’s worth of competition to watch. No one walks around in their team’s jersey or merchandise which is incredibly common where I’m from.

    Instead, people have plans to continue their weeks. They go out to coffee shops, walk around the parks, or go to see museums/shows. Believe me, I love the art scene here. It’s one of the many reasons why I wanted to move to New York, but I would still think that with the Giants and the Jets (Yes, I’m aware that they actually play in New Jersey, don’t even get me started), and with the passion for baseball in the City, I would have assumed that when it became fall, that same passion would appear for football. 

    Maybe this is just me being a little homesick and not knowing what to do with my weekends now that they no longer need to follow the Big 10’s schedule. However, there’s something quite romantic about walking around tailgates on your local college campus, sharing drinks and snacks with your friends and family members are you all wear the same logo. To me, football helps to make the perfect fall weekend, now I need to find that new niche that makes fall perfect in NYC. I’ll let you know when I do.

    By Allison Penski

  • My First Day as a Nobody

    Sorry, I haven’t been updating this blog recently, but this past week, I’ve been incredibly busy with my orientation at Columbia University. For those who don’t know, I’m attending Columbia to get my MFA in Creative Writing. This is an incredibly prestigious program and one that I’ve dreamed about being a part of since I was a kid. However, now I’m scared. This is still something that I want but looking around at the people who are in the program with me, I can’t help but feel as if I’m not interesting, creative, good enough to be amongst everyone I’ve met so far.

    For my first year of undergrad at the University of Michigan, I had really bad imposter syndrome. I barely left my dorm because I was too afraid that I would embarrass myself just by trying to get the life I had always wanted. By my sophomore year, that was all past as I had joined a sorority and a few other clubs. However, I fear that I might get stuck in that rut of not doing anything again. Everyone I’ve met has been incredibly nice, but starting over in a new city where everyone around you seems to have already gotten their lives figured out is intimidating.

    A lot of my colleagues have relationships, jobs, and publishing deals. Everything that I want, but I don’t yet have. It may be because I’m one of the youngest in the program at the whopping age of 22, but deep down I feel like it’s because I’m not as good as everyone else. The professors I’ve met have all said that we all belong there, but I’m still trying to find that feeling to be true. It might happen in my first week of classes or when my workshop critiques one of my pieces. I hope that time comes soon because with a sense of belonging comes a sense of hope that everything will be alright.

    When you’re all alone in a new place with no way to navigate anything at all, you start to lose that sense that anything will possibly be okay. I’ve been in New York for about three weeks now, and they’ve been a few of the hardest weeks of my life. I hope that once I finally get some structure in my life like when classes start and I get a job (*fingers crossed*). I can finally have something to do with my days besides dream and stare at my phone. The day that I find that community, that true sense of belonging, I’ll let you know. Until then, I’m just going to keep dreaming, and keep trying to pave around the city. And, hopefully, those dreams will eventually come true!

    By Allison Penski                                                                    

  • From Tourist to Transplant

    Every day, I walk around the city, wanting to take a picture of each building, monument, and tree I pass. I know it seems ridiculous, especially because on my first ever visit to New York, I did all of the touristy things to try and get it out of my system. However, I cannot help but still feel like a visitor. I’m just as much fascinated by Tom’s Restaurant from Seinfeld as I am by the Empire State Building. Even when I have gotten used to the sights of my neighborhood and the seemingly million extravaganzas happening in the city, I look at them like it’s the first time.

    I wonder if I’ll ever get used to the sights of the city because I think it’s the awe in my expression that singles me out as a ‘transplant.’ That’s what the native New Yorkers call us people who have moved here: ‘transplants.’ It’s a label that I’ll never know if I’ll be able to shake both internally and externally. Like everyone else, I want to travel the world to find my place of belonging, and ever since I was a little girl who dreamed of being a popstar, an actress, a writer, I believed that New York would be that place for me.

    I know that right now it’s a bit difficult for me to feel at home here. I mean, I have yet to establish a life here, but the process of doing just that is taking longer than I thought. It seems like everyone already has their social circles, their 401ks, their lives already established. Logically, I know that’s not true. The city is filled with people like me who are just trying to find their way, but when you don’t know what’s going on in the lives of the people you walk past on the street, you assume you are alone in these thoughts.

    When I first moved here, I met a lady in line for the Staten Island ferry (she was there for work while my family and I were there just to say we’ve hit all five boroughs). We were telling her about our trip and what we wanted to see next, and she had mentioned that she had never seen the Empire State Building.

    “I’ve lived in Brooklyn my whole life, and never once had I gone to see the Empire State Building,” she told us. When we asked her how come she’s never gone to see it, she replied, “I don’t know. I just never have.”

    When I think back on that conversation now, I think I know the answer. For me, my dad, and my brother we have lived in Michigan our whole lives, and while it is an incredibly popular place to vacation in the summer, we rarely ever did tour our state. It’s only when my mom mentions that she wants to see the Sleeping Bear Dunes or the Pictured Rocks did we ever go to see them. When you grow up around tourist traps or popular sightings, you are almost numb to the significance they hold. For people who are not from where you are, they use their visit as an opportunity to seize and recognize the significance of the landmarks which make your home so special. However, for the people who live there, these landmarks are a part of their life, a part of their routine. And, it is very rare that we take a moment to reflect on the significance of our own lives and acknowledge the beauty of our routine. Instead, if you’re like me, you’ve spent most of your life wishing you were somewhere else, wishing you were someone else, and you don’t realize the beauty of your hometown until you leave it for good.

    Yesterday, I was walking back to my apartment after picking up dinner, and I saw a guy stop outside of Tom’s Restaurant. He did a double-take and the proceeded to take several pictures while standing in the middle of the crosswalk. I don’t know if I was the only one who noticed, but I remembered being in that same position just a few days ago. It was comforting to see someone just as excited about these landmarks as me even if he was blocking me from crossing the road. 

    I wonder if this awe will wear off and I’ll be like the people that have lived here their whole lives.  I wonder if I’ll start to take for granted the history of New York City like I had my own home. A part of me never wants to lose that awe because I get to see how lucky I am to have New York be a part of my journey, but it is that same thought that keeps me isolated from feeling at home here. However that thought process wants to balance itself out, we have yet to see, but I’ll keep you updated if it ever changes.

    By Allison Penski

  • Homesick

    I’ve been in New York for almost three weeks now, and I still have no sense of direction. I have no friends, no job, no money, and no way to know where to start. I’m here for grad school, but that doesn’t start for another week. So far, I’ve spent my time sitting in my room and applying for jobs that I won’t hear back from for months only to get a generic email that says I’m not qualified, but that’s an issue for another post. 

    It’s strange to be in this purgatorial stage because I’ve never really experienced anything quite as lonely, quite as depressing, quite as degrading before. As a kid, I was a social butterfly, and even in college, my roommate helped to pull me out of my shell the second we met. Here, it seems like everyone has got everything already figured out. They have a salary, a routine, a group of people to confide in. The last time I had any of that was when I was back in Michigan. And, while being in New York is a step closer to the life I have always wanted for myself, I miss the sense of familiarity and control that I had in Michigan.

    I call my parents everyday, not to tell them a new story, but to get glimpses of the life that I had left. I have them call me every time our dog starts acting cute or something dramatic happens in the small town I grew up in. I stalk my friends’ social media accounts in order to feel like we’re going to go out to our college bars later that night. I miss seeing these people, sharing laughs, going on side quests just to add to our lore. But, we’re all grown now, and my closest friend is still three hours away from me. It’s going to be alright, I know that. We’re all going to visit each other at some point and do annual reunions, but until we reach that point, I’m stuck here. I’m like a castaway, stranded on an island, waiting for someone to save me because I can barely keep my head above water.

    I post pictures of the places that I pass on my walks to make it seem like I’m having a great time. However, the real reason I’m even walking is because I’m scared I’ll run out of money for the subway. It’s not cool to admit we’re struggling on the internet, but right now, I really am. We all do at some point, and this is that point in time for me. I miss home, my friends, my family, the food of the midwest, and the knowing that everything would be okay. I moved to New York because I wanted a life that was more than ‘okay.’ I want adventure, success, to explore new places and try new things. There’s no reward without risk, and right now, I’m feeling the weight of that risk.

    My life’s still on track, but right now it’s taking a detour to avoid the construction. Until I get to the point where the roads are clear again, I’m going to do what I’ve always done, write about my life. If you’d like to join me while I navigate New York City and pull my way out of purgatory, then you can find me right here on allipens.com.

    Written by Allison Penski